How to Treat Men who Committed Domestic Violence?

In the mental health field Domestic Violence (DV) is often associated with personality disorders and commonly conceived as the problem of individual men. But this approaches falls short of accounting for broader social, cultural, and economic issues that are at the root of the problem.

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While each individual has to be accountable for his own behavior, we need to take up a broader perspective to understand violence against women as well as viable ways to stop it.

All kinds of interpersonal violence have a history. They are broader problems that go far beyond individual offenders or perpetrators of domestic violence. I found that it is important for men who have abused to become mindful of the ways in which they have more or less consciously followed a culture of masculinity that condones or encourages violence to solve conflicts.

For the past ten years, I have been working with men who have abused, first as a researcher and then as a counselor. During this period of time, I have not come across somebody who was violent by nature. The men had often undergone severely traumatic experiences in their childhood or youth. Sometimes they were hardly aware of the fact that the people who had abused them in the past had at some point become their role models. Moreover, they followed a dominant form of masculinity that normalizes aggression and can be readily observed in movies, video games, and politics. At the same time, they learned very little about how to communicate effectively or express personal feelings and needs. In other words, they were socialized into a gender straitjacket that encourages individuals to control and dominate others in order to become men.

Even gender justice approaches that take into account inequalities of power often fail to see the complexity of violence. In the 1990s, Kathleen Ferraro already pointed out that a prior generation of feminists got it wrong. She argued that authoritative talk, writing, and law in regards to “domestic violence” created interventions and ideas that are not necessarily helpful. They construct and perpetuate a unified image of ‘battered woman’ versus ‘male batterer.’ This is problematic because women who have experienced abuse have their own independent will and can make choices; they are much more than victims. At the same time, men who have abused are much more than ‘batterers’ or ‘perpetrators.’ In fact, I believe that this type of labeling may hinder men from changing because it commonly leads to defensiveness.

The victim/perpetrator division also results in the tendency to target individual men for treatment while obscuring broader social problems. I have often heard from men that they found it hard to change because the skills they developed during group therapy were not valued in communities in which the use of intimidation, control, and dominance over others is often considered masculine. This is not just an issue for men. Some of my group participants reported that they were belittled and verbally attacked by female partners when they showed vulnerability and cried. A multifaceted approach to “domestic violence” needs to challenge ideals of masculinity that stop men from showing tender feelings. I found that men are often overwhelmed with the expectation of being the ‘dominant’ gender. Evidently, nobody can be invulnerable and this is even more obvious for people who struggle because of racism and economic inequalities.

The culture of machismo is often seen as the root cause of violence against women. But similar to the psychiatric fallacy the myth of “culture” as being the sole reason for intimate partner violence eclipses other social and economic factors. Research has found that men who are more marginalized than others are more likely to commit domestic violence. This does not mean that affluent men are necessarily more peace loving. We know this is not the case. It merely means that some men who suffer from multiple forms of discrimination based on skin color, lack of formal education, or unemployment are more likely to use brute force to empower themselves. Usually the violence is not directed against the wealthy, mostly white males, who own a disproportionate amount of the word’s resources and control post-colonial societies like the United States. The violence is commonly directed against partners, spouses, and family members.

What does this mean for counseling with men who have committed domestic violence? On the most basic level it means that we have to differentiate between the men themselves and the problem of violence. If you are a man who has verbally or physically been abusive the first step towards healing yourself and your relationship is to draw a line between you as a person and the violence with its multiple causes. This does not mean to let go of responsibility. In the contrary, once you can see the problem as a problem that is not just about you, there is no need to become defensive, get stuck in shame, or to bury your head in the sand. You are much more than a man who has abused. It’s time to disentangle yourself from the social expectations tied to being a tough guy or your endeavors to fit into the box of male gender roles. Have the courage to embrace your own vulnerability to break the cycle of abuse. People who really care about you are going to support you in the process of change. Then think of all the positive and loving actions that you have performed in your life in relation to others. There are ways to empower yourself peacefully in equitable relationships for the sake of both your partner’s and your own health and wellbeing.

 

Cracking the Armor: Men and Trauma

Cultural gender expectations shape how we experience trauma. What I found in my own research and work in psychotherapy time and again is that men are reluctant to disclose their emotional wounds because they are afraid that this would make them appear less masculine.

People regardless of their gender are wounded to different degrees physically, psychologically, or both at some point of their lives. It is part of the human experience. After the trauma it is common to avoid stressful memories and situations associated with violation among both men and women. However, for men there is an additional predicament.

Rigid norms about what it means to be a man have a profound impact on how we deal with distress and whether or not we seek help. As men we may deny support or delay help-seeking because we fear that reaching out would result in a loss of masculinity. Many men who experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress after a distressful life event feel less manly, because they have learned that being a man in mainstream society is ideally about power and control.

In my qualitative research and clinical work I found that once men identify that there is an emotional wound, they often tend to rush into re-framing it as something positive. For men living through trauma is often seen as a necessary means to become tough and invulnerable. Some men even see it as a way to obtain a sense of masculinity. In popular culture artists like Jay-Z assert, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

Post-traumatic growth is all about the positive change occurring in an individual after the experience of a highly stressful life event. The above-mentioned quote may be a way to acknowledge one’s own ability to survive traumatic events and learn from them. However, the personal growth and the integration of traumatic experiences usually occurs only if you are prepared to be vulnerable.

The masculine armor may become cumbersome in the long haul and make healing more difficult. Recovery from post-traumatic stress depends on how you deal with the wound inflicted on you in the here-and-now rather than about what happened in the past. For men who follow mainstream ideals of masculinity divulged through the media and politics, it is very typical to toughen up and pretend nothing has happened. But no human being can be invulnerable. Other people and circumstances in various ways of course affect the men I encounter in my field studies and clinical practice. To accept this fact is often the first step towards healing.

The attitude of invulnerability can be problematic when the armors keeps men from acknowledging personal needs and emotions. It can stand in the way of communicating with loved ones, seeking help, and healing from trauma. Healing is most likely to take place when the trauma is accepted and integrated into one’s life and identity, so it can drive preferred changes. How has your sense of manhood transformed as a result of the traumatic event? Cracking the armor may mean to liberate masculinity as you know it and become open for new ways of being a man. The ability to be vulnerable is part of this process and it needs tremendous courage to embody it.