Long live monkey mind. Over the past year, I explored innovative forms of mindfulness that help me understand my world and experience better by allowing thoughts and emotions in meditation. I used to be convinced that I’m not a good meditator or that I will never be able to be fully mindful. Then I found out that this was largely the case because the instructions I used were counterproductive.
For a long time I thought that I have a “monkey mind” that can never be still and calm. In some respects I do, but things are a bit more complicated and interesting. There is hope for anybody who cannot calm one’s inner chit chat by force. In an open and experience-near form of mindfulness having a “monkey mind” or being easily distracted and driven by seemingly random thoughts and feelings is not an obstacle but an entry point into exploration, insight, and more knowledge about ourselves and our worlds.
For many years I set myself up with instructions that told me to come back to the breath or the body when my mind wants to go somewhere else. But when I force myself to focus on some object of attention for a longer period of time my mind naturally wanders. Standard mindfulness instructions suggest to gently take attention back to the original object of focus.
The metaphor used is training a puppy who constantly wants to run away. Well, I found that constantly telling myself “sit, sit, sit” does not have the effect of being gently to myself. Only few people can focus their attention for a couple of hours without being distracted and to be able to do so they usually live removed from society in monasteries or practice on long-term retreats. For many of us this is not an option or even something we would want to do but still we might think that the standard for measuring progress and quality in meditation is having a clear mind without thoughts or just positive thoughts all the time.
I found out that my mind settles down naturally when I don’t try hard to be a good meditator and when I allow myself to be with whatever experience comes up in an open and nonjudgmental way. It may be only for a couple of minutes in a longer sitting but these moments come with ease. On the one hand, this makes meditation much easier because I don’t set myself up for failure by trying to do the impossible, that is forcing myself to not have thoughts and emotions. On the other hand, it is also challenging since the thoughts and emotions that come up may be scary, annoying, or uncomfortable.But even if they are, when I take an accepting or tolerant stance towards them they become less threatening. In fact, there is a lot to learn about how I routinely deal with myself and my world.
When I get insights about how automatic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior work, it becomes clearer to me what conditions have negative effects and what kind of conditions have positive ones. This is the first step towards making informed choices based on understandings gained during meditation.
Another effect of allowing thoughts and emotions into meditation is that even if I think of my experience as negative, I might find that there is much positive content in my mind that is pushed towards the periphery of awareness. Bringing this content more to the center of attention helps me to become aware of things that make me feel good about myself and others. This positive and life affirming inner self-talk would go largely unnoticed or pushed aside when I would constantly try to focus on a precontemplated object of focus.
For more information about experience-near mindfulness see Jason Siff’s book “Unlearning Meditation.”