Cultural gender expectations shape how we experience trauma. What I found in my own research and work in psychotherapy time and again is that men are reluctant to disclose their emotional wounds because they are afraid that this would make them appear less masculine.
People regardless of their gender are wounded to different degrees physically, psychologically, or both at some point of their lives. It is part of the human experience. After the trauma it is common to avoid stressful memories and situations associated with violation among both men and women. However, for men there is an additional predicament.
Rigid norms about what it means to be a man have a profound impact on how we deal with distress and whether or not we seek help. As men we may deny support or delay help-seeking because we fear that reaching out would result in a loss of masculinity. Many men who experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress after a distressful life event feel less manly, because they have learned that being a man in mainstream society is ideally about power and control.
In my qualitative research and clinical work I found that once men identify that there is an emotional wound, they often tend to rush into re-framing it as something positive. For men living through trauma is often seen as a necessary means to become tough and invulnerable. Some men even see it as a way to obtain a sense of masculinity. In popular culture artists like Jay-Z assert, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
Post-traumatic growth is all about the positive change occurring in an individual after the experience of a highly stressful life event. The above-mentioned quote may be a way to acknowledge one’s own ability to survive traumatic events and learn from them. However, the personal growth and the integration of traumatic experiences usually occurs only if you are prepared to be vulnerable.
The masculine armor may become cumbersome in the long haul and make healing more difficult. Recovery from post-traumatic stress depends on how you deal with the wound inflicted on you in the here-and-now rather than about what happened in the past. For men who follow mainstream ideals of masculinity divulged through the media and politics, it is very typical to toughen up and pretend nothing has happened. But no human being can be invulnerable. Other people and circumstances in various ways of course affect the men I encounter in my field studies and clinical practice. To accept this fact is often the first step towards healing.
The attitude of invulnerability can be problematic when the armors keeps men from acknowledging personal needs and emotions. It can stand in the way of communicating with loved ones, seeking help, and healing from trauma. Healing is most likely to take place when the trauma is accepted and integrated into one’s life and identity, so it can drive preferred changes. How has your sense of manhood transformed as a result of the traumatic event? Cracking the armor may mean to liberate masculinity as you know it and become open for new ways of being a man. The ability to be vulnerable is part of this process and it needs tremendous courage to embody it.